BHO Taileprompter

Christmas in Hawaii

2010-12-25T08:43:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I love spending Christmas in Hawaii. I wonder what all the little people do?

Beach Sewage Spill

2010-12-23T10:56:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: A spill has closed my Hawaiian beach. I haven't seen this much sewage since I met with the Democratic Caucus.

DADT

2010-12-18T16:12:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: DADT has been repealed! Combat is going to be so much more fun now!

Tax Compromise Passes

2010-12-17T14:45:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Congress passed my tax compromise package. My sellout of liberals is complete.

Clintons

2010-12-16T16:32:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: The Clinton's really know how to handle the press. I will let them do all my dirty work.

Christmas Spending

2010-12-15T17:15:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am really in the Christmas spirit. i think I'll spend a trillion dollars of someone else money!

Blizzard

2010-12-12T13:20:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: There is another blizzard in the Midwest. Must be caused by global warming!

Bill Clinton Visits

2010-12-10T16:34:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Bill Clinton dropped by. He told me where he hid the special box of hand-dipped cigars he left behind.

Keith Olbermann

2010-12-08T16:30:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Keith Olbermann is a douchebag.

Criticism From Left

2010-12-07T16:41:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I wish left-wing Democrats would stop calling me a Republican. I am a Socialist!

Tax Deal

2010-12-06T15:23:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I guess I will make a tax deal with the devil...err...Republicans.

White House Haunted

2010-12-05T11:21:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: The White House is haunted. Every time I look in a mirror I see Jimmy Carter.

Surprise visit to Afghanistan

2010-12-04T05:16:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: My surprise visit to Afghanistan was a success. I was able to talk to Karzai on the phone!

Unemployment Up

2010-12-03T15:18:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Unemployment is up to 9.8%! I'll leave town and let Biden deal with it.

Summit With GOP

2010-11-30T15:07:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: My Slurpee summit with Republicans was a failure.

Wikileak

2010-11-29T16:27:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I won't take this Wikileak thing laying down. I am drafting a strongly worded letter!

COP16

2010-11-28T05:34:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am too embarrassed to go to the COP16 conference in Cancun. I guess I will opt-out.

Busted Lip

2010-11-27T06:44:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I got a boo boo on my lip playing basketball. :(

Black Friday

2010-11-26T04:51:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am going #BlackFriday shopping. It is hard to buy Christmas presents for my socialist friends.

Pardoning a Turkey

2010-11-24T14:47:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I pardoned a turkey today and secured the turkey vote for democrats in 2012.

North Korean Attack

2010-11-23T16:26:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Those crazy North Koreans need to knock it off. They are giving good communists a bad name.

New Airport Scanners

2010-11-22T17:38:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: My stock in naked body scanners is really taking off.

START Treaty

2010-11-21T14:06:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Congress needs to hurry up and ratify START. I lost the nuke codes again!

Headed to the airport

2010-11-19T12:21:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am headed to the airport for a TSA screening. Michelle never "touches my junk" anymore.

Being Compared to Jimmy Carter

2010-02-26T17:41:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I wish people would stop comparing me to Jimmy Carter. I don't even like peanuts.

Superbowl Party

2010-02-07T13:08:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I want my Superbowl Party to look bipartisan. Invite the RINO from Louisiana who voted for Obamacare.

Harry Reid's Racial Remarks

2010-01-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Harry Reid is a moss-backed old cracker.

Going to Copenhagen

2009-12-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am going to have to stay in Copenhagen longer now that the prostitutes are free!

Taking a bow

2009-12-05T17:05:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Oops! Heard thunder and accidentally took a bow.

Climategate

2009-11-27T14:22:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe these morons at the CRU of the University of East Anglia. Delete all our email correspondence with them.

Obamacare vote

2009-11-21T17:14:00.001-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: We bought enough votes to get Obamacare rolling. I love Chicago style politics.

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed coming to New York

2009-11-18T16:53:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: Hey Holder, when Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and the other four terrorists get to New York, have ACORN sign them up to vote.

Bowing down

2009-11-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

BHO Taileprompter: I bowed down too low to Emperor Akihito of Japan. It was an accident. I was checking out his "package."

Balloon Boy

2009-10-18T16:19:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I wonder if Balloon Boy's dad would do a wife swap with me?

Bipartisanship on health care reform

2009-10-13T17:46:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: We got a Republican Senator to vote for Obamacare. Finally, we have a bipartisan bill.

Winning the Nobel Peace Prize

2009-10-10T04:53:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: If I won the Nobel Peace Prize, I can win the Heisman too! Vote for me.

Meeting at UN

2009-09-26T15:12:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I loved being at the UN. I feel at home among all those despots.

ACORN Prostitute Videos

2009-09-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: That chick in the ACORN prostitution sting video was hot. Rahm, invite her to the White House.

Health care myths

2009-09-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am tired of people spreading myths about my health care reform. So, I am going to shut up.

ACORN Prostitute video

2009-09-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe ACORN fell for that prostitute scam. I learned a long time ago that all the pretty hookers were a setup.

9-12 Rally

2009-09-11T17:52:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Hmmm... Huge tea party in DC tomorrow. Rahm, have the Secret Service pick me up at the back door. I'm leaving town.

Jobs

2009-09-05T13:51:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I promised to create 600,000 jobs this summer. We only lost 900,000. Not bad.

Passing Obamacare

2009-09-03T17:33:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am going to give the Republicans one more chance to do what I say. Then, bipartisanship is over.

Personal Income Taxes

2009-08-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I don't know why I am paying so much in tax. I need to get Charlie Rangel to do my taxes.

Teddy Kennedy

2009-08-29T10:40:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I was honored to eulogize Teddy Kennedy. He was a fine socialist.

Death Panels

2009-08-26T17:39:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I don't understand the Republican opposition to "Death Panels" for the elderly. I thought they wanted to lower the deficit.

Vacation

2009-08-25T17:30:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I really needed this vacation. Running up the national deficit is exhausting.

Medical Cash for Clunkers

2009-08-19T17:04:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Cash for Clunkers was great. I am adding it to health care reform. Say goodbye to granny.

Obama Joker Artist

2009-08-18T03:28:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: The person behind the "Joker" posters is from Chicago. I knew my mob connections would come in handy someday.

Using Granny to support Obamacare

2009-08-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Invoking my dead grandmother to counter the 'death panel' argument was brilliant. Whatever happened to her ashes anyway?

Demonizing Doctors

2009-08-13T17:00:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: People wonder why I am accusing doctors of wanting to snip off body parts, but I will never tell the public about my horrible circumcision accident.

ObamaCare protesters are Nazis

2009-08-11T16:47:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I wish Democrats would stop calling the health care reform protesters Nazis. Nazis were good socialists.

Seniors protesting ObamaCare

2009-08-10T18:33:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Don't worry. We will euthanize these old geezers protesting health care reform after we get the public option.

Sotomayor sworn in

2009-08-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Now that Justice Sotomayor is on the court, we can start overturning that pesky Bill of Rights.

Ending 'War on Terror"

2009-08-06T14:51:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Now that the "war on terror" is officially over, I can invite Osama bin Laden to the WH for a beer summit.

Cash for Clunkers

2009-08-05T18:25:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I love this Cash for Clunkers program. I wonder if I can trade in Michelle?

Kenyan Birth Certificate

2009-08-04T16:40:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: This Kenyan birth certificate was a great idea. This will distract people from my Indonesian adoption.

Muslim history

2009-08-01T15:35:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Who cares if I used to be a Muslim. I never swore an official allegiance to Al Queda.

Sarah Palin

2009-08-01T05:40:00.001-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Our plan to smear and marginalize Sarah Palin is working like a charm. Great job, Rahm!

Beer summit

2009-07-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I had a hard time deciding the correct beer for the beer summit. Since, I invited a cop, I chose Colt 45.

Changing ObamaCare

2009-07-28T18:07:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: If the Blue dogs want to change ObamaCare, let them take out the part where we euthanize old people to save money.

Poll numbers

2009-07-26T14:20:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: My poll numbers are still dropping. Fire the New York Times and MSNBC. The Huffington Post will do all our PR now.

CBO

2009-07-25T15:39:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: The CBO keeps calling my ObamaCare plan savings a lie. Fire the head of the CBO. Oh crap. He doesn't work for me.

Health care speech

2009-07-23T18:17:00.001-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Americans aren't buying my health care reform speeches. I wonder why? Get me a different teleprompter!

Rescuing the economy

2009-07-22T18:08:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I have "rescued the economy." Time for a smoke and a quickie.

Hillary Clinton

2009-07-21T16:52:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Rahm, get my Secretary Of State on the phone. You don't remember her name? Me neither.

Canned pork

2009-07-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Why are people upset we bought $16 million in canned pork with stimulus money? I am donating it to my friends the Israelis.

Health insurance for illegals

2009-07-20T03:22:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Democrats defeated the Republican amendment to strip coverage of illegals from health care reform. Finally, my aunt in Boston will be able to get coverage.

Democrat's Health Care Plan

2009-07-18T16:34:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I can't sign a plan that increases the deficit. Keep cooking the books until you show a surplus.

Health care reform

2009-07-17T16:47:00.001-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Have heart we will pass health care reform. Of course, after it passes you will have to wait years if you need a new heart.

Statue

2009-07-16T17:02:00.001-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am thinking about tearing down the Washington Monument and building a statue of myself in it's place.

Nationalized Health care

2009-07-15T17:50:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: If republicans don't like my nationalizing of health care, I'll Rahm it up their butts.

Meeting the Pope

2009-07-14T15:58:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I would have bowed down for the Pope, but I only do that for Arab Kings and Communist dictators.

Rattner resigns

2009-07-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Kudos to Rattner for saving the UAW...err..GM and Chrysler.

Poor economic news

2009-07-12T13:53:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: The stimulus plan is working as intended. As soon as the economy completely collapses, people will embrace my socialist agenda.

Leering at a booty

2009-07-10T17:01:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Michelle is mad about me leering at that woman's booty in France. It sure was a fine caboose though.

Blackberry

2009-07-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: My high tech Blackberry has a virus. I need to stay off YouPorn.

Presidential Approval Rating is -5

2009-07-08T17:22:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: OMG. My Presidential Approval Rating is -5. Raise taxes and keep raising them until my approval goes up.

GM and Chrysler sales down

2009-07-06T17:16:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Chrysler, GM and Toyota had the worst sales performance in June. What can I do? I'll buy a Lexus!

Trip to Russia

2009-07-05T16:41:00.001-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am looking forward to this trip to Russia. They have a lot of great Mosques there.

NK missiles

2009-07-04T19:29:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Take me to the bunker. NK is firing missiles at us. Oh wait, that's just fireworks.

Unemployment

2009-07-02T16:47:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Unemployment is up to 9.5%. Hire more czars!

Vacation

2009-07-01T06:00:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I think I will skip my annual pilgrimage to Mecca and vacation at Martha's Vineyard this year.

Approval dropping

2009-06-30T09:46:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: My approval is dropping. I'll raise taxes, nationalize industry and socialize medicine. That will help.

President of Honduras ousted

2009-06-29T11:35:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Hugo Chavez' buddy has been ousted as President of Honduras. Finally, an event I can honestly criticize.

Michael Jackson

2009-06-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am glad Michael Jackson converted to Islam before he died.

Cap and Trade Passes House

2009-06-27T15:35:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Cap and Trade has passed the House. Allah Akbar! Oops, I mean thank God.

Government Health Care

2009-06-25T17:45:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: This government health care plan is crap. I am sticking with Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

Iranian invitation to 4th of July embassy parties

2009-06-24T17:41:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Cancel the Iranians invitation to the 4th of July party. See is Venezuela and Syria are available.

Smoking

2009-06-23T17:46:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I'll sick the FDA on those nasty smokers. That will teach them. Rahm, run over to 7-Eleven and get me some Marlboro's.

Ahmadinejad

2009-06-22T17:15:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I need to get on the good side of Iran's leader Ahmadinejad. I will nominate Iran to the UN Human Rights Council.

Iran Elections II

2009-06-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Protesters are being shot in the streets in Iran. What should I do? Come on girls, let's go for ice cream.

NK may launch missile at Hawaii

2009-06-18T17:15:00.001-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: The North Koreans are launching a missile at Hawaii? Wake me up when the fire one at Kenya.

Iran elections

2009-06-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: One Iranian Province tallied 132% of the vote. Acorn never got me over 110%.

Health care plan

2009-06-16T18:42:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Doctors don't like my health care plan. What do they know? They said crack would kill me years ago.

Three million new jobs

2009-06-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: How can I keep my promise to create three million new jobs in this economy? I will create three million new czars!

Ahmadinejad II

2009-06-14T12:05:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Ahmadinejad is beating his opponents down in the streets with clubs. I wish I could do that.

Ahmadinejad

2009-06-13T14:31:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: Ahmadinejad won re-election in Iran. Way to go bro.

Israel two state solution

2009-06-11T18:55:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I am proposing a two state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian problem. They state what they want and I state what they are going to do.

Reverend Wright

2009-06-10T16:48:00.000-07:00

BHO Taileprompter: I sure miss Reverend Wright's fiery sermons. He's practically an honorary Muslim.