Going to Copenhagen

BHO Taileprompter: I am going to have to stay in Copenhagen longer now that the prostitutes are free!

Taking a bow

BHO Taileprompter: Oops! Heard thunder and accidentally took a bow.

Climategate

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe these morons at the CRU of the University of East Anglia. Delete all our email correspondence with them.

Obamacare vote

BHO Taileprompter: We bought enough votes to get Obamacare rolling. I love Chicago style politics.

Khalid Shaikh Mohammed coming to New York

BHO Taileprompter: Hey Holder, when Khalid Shaikh Mohammed and the other four terrorists get to New York, have ACORN sign them up to vote.

Bowing down

BHO Taileprompter: I bowed down too low to Emperor Akihito of Japan. It was an accident. I was checking out his "package."

Balloon Boy

BHO Taileprompter: I wonder if Balloon Boy's dad would do a wife swap with me?

Bipartisanship on health care reform

BHO Taileprompter: We got a Republican Senator to vote for Obamacare. Finally, we have a bipartisan bill.

Winning the Nobel Peace Prize

BHO Taileprompter: If I won the Nobel Peace Prize, I can win the Heisman too! Vote for me.

Meeting at UN

BHO Taileprompter: I loved being at the UN. I feel at home among all those despots.

ACORN Prostitute Videos

BHO Taileprompter: That chick in the ACORN prostitution sting video was hot. Rahm, invite her to the White House.

Health care myths

BHO Taileprompter: I am tired of people spreading myths about my health care reform. So, I am going to shut up.

ACORN Prostitute video

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe ACORN fell for that prostitute scam. I learned a long time ago that all the pretty hookers were a setup.

9-12 Rally

BHO Taileprompter: Hmmm... Huge tea party in DC tomorrow. Rahm, have the Secret Service pick me up at the back door. I'm leaving town.

Jobs

BHO Taileprompter: I promised to create 600,000 jobs this summer. We only lost 900,000. Not bad.

Passing Obamacare

BHO Taileprompter: I am going to give the Republicans one more chance to do what I say. Then, bipartisanship is over.

Personal Income Taxes

BHO Taileprompter: I don't know why I am paying so much in tax. I need to get Charlie Rangel to do my taxes.

Teddy Kennedy

BHO Taileprompter: I was honored to eulogize Teddy Kennedy. He was a fine socialist.

Death Panels

BHO Taileprompter: I don't understand the Republican opposition to "Death Panels" for the elderly. I thought they wanted to lower the deficit.

Vacation

BHO Taileprompter: I really needed this vacation. Running up the national deficit is exhausting.

Medical Cash for Clunkers

BHO Taileprompter: Cash for Clunkers was great. I am adding it to health care reform. Say goodbye to granny.

Obama Joker Artist

BHO Taileprompter: The person behind the "Joker" posters is from Chicago. I knew my mob connections would come in handy someday.

Using Granny to support Obamacare

BHO Taileprompter: Invoking my dead grandmother to counter the 'death panel' argument was brilliant. Whatever happened to her ashes anyway?

Demonizing Doctors

BHO Taileprompter: People wonder why I am accusing doctors of wanting to snip off body parts, but I will never tell the public about my horrible circumcision accident.

ObamaCare protesters are Nazis

BHO Taileprompter: I wish Democrats would stop calling the health care reform protesters Nazis. Nazis were good socialists.

Seniors protesting ObamaCare

BHO Taileprompter: Don't worry. We will euthanize these old geezers protesting health care reform after we get the public option.

Sotomayor sworn in

BHO Taileprompter: Now that Justice Sotomayor is on the court, we can start overturning that pesky Bill of Rights.

Ending 'War on Terror"

BHO Taileprompter: Now that the "war on terror" is officially over, I can invite Osama bin Laden to the WH for a beer summit.

Cash for Clunkers

BHO Taileprompter: I love this Cash for Clunkers program. I wonder if I can trade in Michelle?

Kenyan Birth Certificate

BHO Taileprompter: This Kenyan birth certificate was a great idea. This will distract people from my Indonesian adoption.

Muslim history

BHO Taileprompter: Who cares if I used to be a Muslim. I never swore an official allegiance to Al Queda.

Sarah Palin

BHO Taileprompter: Our plan to smear and marginalize Sarah Palin is working like a charm. Great job, Rahm!

Beer summit

BHO Taileprompter: I had a hard time deciding the correct beer for the beer summit. Since, I invited a cop, I chose Colt 45.

Changing ObamaCare

BHO Taileprompter: If the Blue dogs want to change ObamaCare, let them take out the part where we euthanize old people to save money.

Poll numbers

BHO Taileprompter: My poll numbers are still dropping. Fire the New York Times and MSNBC. The Huffington Post will do all our PR now.

CBO

BHO Taileprompter: The CBO keeps calling my ObamaCare plan savings a lie. Fire the head of the CBO. Oh crap. He doesn't work for me.

Health care speech

BHO Taileprompter: Americans aren't buying my health care reform speeches. I wonder why? Get me a different teleprompter!

Rescuing the economy

BHO Taileprompter: I have "rescued the economy." Time for a smoke and a quickie.

Hillary Clinton

BHO Taileprompter: Rahm, get my Secretary Of State on the phone. You don't remember her name? Me neither.

Canned pork

BHO Taileprompter: Why are people upset we bought $16 million in canned pork with stimulus money? I am donating it to my friends the Israelis.

Health insurance for illegals

BHO Taileprompter: Democrats defeated the Republican amendment to strip coverage of illegals from health care reform. Finally, my aunt in Boston will be able to get coverage.

Democrat's Health Care Plan

BHO Taileprompter: I can't sign a plan that increases the deficit. Keep cooking the books until you show a surplus.

Health care reform

BHO Taileprompter: Have heart we will pass health care reform. Of course, after it passes you will have to wait years if you need a new heart.

Statue

BHO Taileprompter: I am thinking about tearing down the Washington Monument and building a statue of myself in it's place.

Nationalized Health care

BHO Taileprompter: If republicans don't like my nationalizing of health care, I'll Rahm it up their butts.

Meeting the Pope

BHO Taileprompter: I would have bowed down for the Pope, but I only do that for Arab Kings and Communist dictators.

Rattner resigns

BHO Taileprompter: Kudos to Rattner for saving the UAW...err..GM and Chrysler.

Poor economic news

BHO Taileprompter: The stimulus plan is working as intended. As soon as the economy completely collapses, people will embrace my socialist agenda.

Leering at a booty

BHO Taileprompter: Michelle is mad about me leering at that woman's booty in France. It sure was a fine caboose though.

Blackberry

BHO Taileprompter: My high tech Blackberry has a virus. I need to stay off YouPorn.

Presidential Approval Rating is -5

BHO Taileprompter: OMG. My Presidential Approval Rating is -5. Raise taxes and keep raising them until my approval goes up.

GM and Chrysler sales down

BHO Taileprompter: Chrysler, GM and Toyota had the worst sales performance in June. What can I do? I'll buy a Lexus!

Trip to Russia

BHO Taileprompter: I am looking forward to this trip to Russia. They have a lot of great Mosques there.

NK missiles

BHO Taileprompter: Take me to the bunker. NK is firing missiles at us. Oh wait, that's just fireworks.

Unemployment

BHO Taileprompter: Unemployment is up to 9.5%. Hire more czars!

Vacation

BHO Taileprompter: I think I will skip my annual pilgrimage to Mecca and vacation at Martha's Vineyard this year.

Approval dropping

BHO Taileprompter: My approval is dropping. I'll raise taxes, nationalize industry and socialize medicine. That will help.

President of Honduras ousted

BHO Taileprompter: Hugo Chavez' buddy has been ousted as President of Honduras. Finally, an event I can honestly criticize.

Michael Jackson

BHO Taileprompter: I am glad Michael Jackson converted to Islam before he died.

Cap and Trade Passes House

BHO Taileprompter: Cap and Trade has passed the House. Allah Akbar! Oops, I mean thank God.

Government Health Care

BHO Taileprompter: This government health care plan is crap. I am sticking with Blue Cross/Blue Shield.

Iranian invitation to 4th of July embassy parties

BHO Taileprompter: Cancel the Iranians invitation to the 4th of July party. See is Venezuela and Syria are available.

Smoking

BHO Taileprompter: I'll sick the FDA on those nasty smokers. That will teach them. Rahm, run over to 7-Eleven and get me some Marlboro's.

Ahmadinejad

BHO Taileprompter: I need to get on the good side of Iran's leader Ahmadinejad. I will nominate Iran to the UN Human Rights Council.

Iran Elections II

BHO Taileprompter: Protesters are being shot in the streets in Iran. What should I do? Come on girls, let's go for ice cream.

NK may launch missile at Hawaii

BHO Taileprompter: The North Koreans are launching a missile at Hawaii? Wake me up when the fire one at Kenya.

Iran elections

BHO Taileprompter: One Iranian Province tallied 132% of the vote. Acorn never got me over 110%.

Health care plan

BHO Taileprompter: Doctors don't like my health care plan. What do they know? They said crack would kill me years ago.

Three million new jobs

BHO Taileprompter: How can I keep my promise to create three million new jobs in this economy? I will create three million new czars!

Ahmadinejad II

BHO Taileprompter: Ahmadinejad is beating his opponents down in the streets with clubs. I wish I could do that.

Ahmadinejad

BHO Taileprompter: Ahmadinejad won re-election in Iran. Way to go bro.

Israel two state solution

BHO Taileprompter: I am proposing a two state solution to the Israeli-Palestinian problem. They state what they want and I state what they are going to do.

Reverend Wright

BHO Taileprompter: I sure miss Reverend Wright's fiery sermons. He's practically an honorary Muslim.

Pay as you go

BHO Taileprompter: I am introducing "pay as you go." I learned that from my dealer in Chicago.

Don't ask, don't tell

BHO Taileprompter: Gays are mad I supported "don't ask, don't tell." I have had that policy with Michelle for years.

French women

BHO Taileprompter: These French women don't shave. Michelle would look like Chewbacca if she didn't.

Sotomayor is a racist II

BHO Taileprompter: Sotomayor seems to think minorities are smarter than white men. I am really starting to like her.

Al Gore

BHO Taileprompter: I'll send Al Gore to NK to negotiate the release of our reporters. If we are lucky, they will keep him.

Chavez calls Obama a socialist

BHO Taileprompter: Hugo Chavez called me a socialist. For the last time, I am not a socialist. I am a communist.

Visit to Saudi Arabia

BHO Taileprompter: Saudi Arabia is a lovely place. It feels good to be in the birthplace of my religion.

Middle East visit

BHO Taileprompter: I need to go to Mecca for the Hajj soon.

Nationalizing businesses

BHO Taileprompter: I now own CitiBank, Chase, Chrysler, GM and Fannie Mae. This is better than playing Monopoly.

Stoping the critics

BHO Taileprompter: I need to make my critics look stupid. Call the CDC and find out what virus Joe Biden is infected with.

Burger runs

BHO Taileprompter: So, NK is testing nukes and launching missiles, the Iranians are developing nukes and the Taliban are resurgent. Anyone want to go for a burger?

Sotomayor is a racist

BHO Taileprompter: MY SCOTUS nominee Sotomayor is accused of being a racist against white men. Is that wrong?

Chrysler dealership closings

BHO Taileprompter: I didn't close those Chrysler dealerships because they donated to the GOP. I closed them because they are rich white Republican scum.

Burris tapes

BHO Taileprompter: So, Burris Promised to 'do something' for Blagojevich to get my Senate seat. I promised to do something to Blagojevich if he opened his mouth and talked.

Hispanic Supreme court pick

BHO Taileprompter: Picking a hispanic for the Supreme Court shold lock the illegal migrant vote up for Democrats in the next election.

Memorial Day

BHO Taileprompter: Rahm, plan a working cook out for Memorial Day. I want to plan some more military budget cuts.

White House briefings

BHO Taileprompter: I want all the White House briefings done in "rap" from now on.

Joe Biden's mouth

BHO Taileprompter: Has that duct tape I ordered arrived? Tell Joe Biden I need to see him.

Stopping terrorists

BHO Taileprompter: Upholding values will shield us from terror. If that fails, I will name Bill Ayers my envoy to Al Qaeda.

Closing Gitmo

BHO Taileprompter: If the Democrats in Congress won't give me any money, I will house the terrorists in trailers on the White House lawn.

New mileage standards

BHO Taileprompter: I hope people don't find out I drove a Chrysler 300c. It only got 18 MPG in Chicago. I would have bought a World Car, but I didn't want to look gay.

Increasing gas mileage

BHO Taileprompter: My new regulations will save gas and force people to buy electric cars. We won't have gas tax revenue to fix roads? No problem. I'll tax electricity.

Al Gore

BHO Taileprompter: Al Gore is on the phone. He saw the latest global warming numbers and is feeling suicidal.

Palestinian statehood

BHO Taileprompter: There will be a Palestinian state before my term ends. Allah Akbar! Oops. I mean God willing.

Nancy Pelosi

BHO Taileprompter: Bring the Secret Service bus to the Capitol. I need something to throw Nancy Pelosi under.

Notre Dame protests

BHO Taileprompter: These abortion protesters misunderstand my position. I am pro life. Mine.

Talking to Pelosi about CIA

BHO Taileprompter: I tried to call Nancy Pelosi and talk about this CIA/torture mess, but she was too busy trying to remove her foot from her mouth.

CIA and Pelosi

BHO Taileprompter: I wonder why Nancy Pelosi is angry the CIA lied to her. She never complains when I do it.

Warning Israel not to attack Iran

BHO Taileprompter: I warned Israel not to attack my brethren in Iran. If they do, I am going to hold my breath until I turn blue.

Detainee photos

BHO Taileprompter: I have decided to not release the detainee photos. I want them for my private collection.

Consumer spending

BHO Taileprompter: Consumer spending needs to improve to end the recession. I will raise taxes and keep raising taxes until people have more money to spend.

New taxes

BHO Taileprompter: Rahm, tell the Democrats in the Senate there is no way I will let them tax Coke. Oh, they mean the sugary drink.

Inheritance tax

BHO Taileprompter: I see dead people and I think I know a way to tax them.

Wanda Sykes

BHO Taileprompter: When Wanda Sykes said, "I hope Rush Limbaugh's kidneys fail." My bladder failed. Good thing I was wearing a dark suit.

Oxycontin

BHO Taileprompter: I don't understand Rush Limbaugh doing Oxycontin. Smoking crack is so much more fun.

Meeting Barney Frank

BHO Taileprompter: Barney Frank just called- he wants to meet me in mens room. Signal is 2 long 1 short foot tap followed by stress test.

Funding gay bar research

BHO Taileprompter: People are upset over the $400K spent on gay bar research. I guess I will just do that research myself.

Tax enforcement

BHO Taileprompter: I am doubling the tax law enforcement budget. This won't be popular with my Cabinet.

National Prayer Day

BHO Taileprompter: People should get off my back over skipping National Prayer day. I pray 5 times per day towards Mecca.

Illegal aliens

BHO Taileprompter: I have to put a stop to the INS deporting illegal aliens. If not, they may come get me next.

Bond holders

BHO Taileprompter: They are lying when they say I threatened Chrysler bondholders with bad PR. I threatened them with the IRS.

White House reporters

BHO Taileprompter: Gibbs, I want the White House reporters on "bended knee" when I enter the press room.

Snuggie

BHO Taileprompter: After a hard day "presidenting," it feels good to slip into a snuggie and watch ABC trash my opponents.

Supreme Court replacement

BHO Taileprompter: When I replace Souter, I need to cover one of my constituent bases. I'll nominate William Ayers. Then, I'll have my terrorist base covered.

Prisoner pictures

BHO Taileprompter: These pictures I released of Al Qaeda being masked and chained nude are disgusting. They remind me of my honeymoon.

Oval Office

BHO Taileprompter: Time to start a new day. I'll head over to my throne room. Oops! I mean Oval Office.

Chrysler bankruptcy

BHO Taileprompter: I failed to save Chrysler from bankruptcy. I must do something to save GM. I will help promote GM's vehicle. I have been wanting a Hummer.

Sleeper agent

BHO Taileprompter: We have activated our first sleeper agent, Arlen Specter. My plan to turn America into a Communist dictatorship with me as "President for life" is coming together.

Swine flu II

BHO Taileprompter: I am taking aggressive action to stop swine flu. I am eating bacon, sausage and pork for breakfast until this pandemic is stopped.

New York flyby

BHO Taileprompter: Authorizing the Air Force 1 photo op flyby of the Statue of liberty was a mistake. I should have Photoshoped it like my birth certificate.

Prosecuting Bush officials

BHO Taileprompter: We need to prosecute Bush officials for torture. Hmm..I authorized the killing of three Somalis. Crap! They will prosecute me for murder after I leave office.

Teleprompter

BHO Taileprompter: Damn it. I got ahead of my teleprompter. I have to stop snorting crank before giving speeches.

Partisanship

BHO Taileprompter: I need for my health care bill to be nonpartisan. Tell the Republicans to vote for it or else!

Swine flu

BHO Taileprompter: This swine flu outbreak is getting serious. I hope it wasn't caused by all the pork in the stimulus.

Getting rich

BHO Taileprompter: Al Gore has gotten rich claiming anthropogenic climate change. When I leave office, I'll get rich promoting anthropogenic meteor strikes.

Bo II

BHO Taileprompter: Crap! Bo ate my stash. I'll have the secret service follow him around with a pooper scooper.

Bo

BHO Taileprompter: Michelle! This stupid dog is peeing on my leg again!

Janet Napolitano

BHO Taileprompter: Janet Napolitano thinks the 9-11 hijackers came from Canada? Quick. Get her a teleprompter.

Torture memos II

BHO Taileprompter: I would like to water board Dick Cheney.

Smoking

BHO Taileprompter: I hate sneaking up to the roof to smoke. I'll take the batteries out of the Oval Office bathroom smoke detector.

Torture memos

BHO Taileprompter: Rahm, find out who the moron was who authorized the release of the memos that proved the CIA interrogation techniques worked. Oh, that was me.

Budget cut II

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe people don't consider $100 million a lot of money. That is 1/7 of what I spent to buy the Presidency.

Budget cut

BHO Taileprompter: People are claiming my proposed $100 million budget cut is the same as giving up two lattes a year. Someone get over to Starbucks and get me a grande mocha.

Hugo Chavez II

BHO Taileprompter: I am so glad Hugo Chavez is only a dictator and not a king. I didn't have to bow down this time.

Sundays

BHO Taileprompter: I love Sunday now that I don't have to attend church anymore. It's great to sleep in and I don't feel like a hypocrite.

"Vagina friendly"

BHO Taileprompter: Rosario Dawson said I was "vagina friendly." Hmm.. maybe for her.

Rush Limbaugh

BHO Taileprompter: I hate Rush Limbaugh. I want to kick his butt.

Hugo Chavez

BHO Taileprompter: I love Hugo Chavez. He promised me some tips on socialism and how to become "President for life."

Tea Parties

BHO Taileprompter: The tea parties must have been fizzled out. There was no mention on the front page of the New York Times.

Disapproval number

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe 32% of Americans strongly disapprove of me. They must be racists.

Administration jobs

BHO Taileprompter: I still have over 100 administration jobs available. If you are a tax cheat, you may qualify.

College grants

BHO Taileprompter: I got a letter from Occidental College today. Since I am claiming to be an American citizen now, they want me to repay the foreign student grants they gave me.

New dog

BHO Taileprompter: Thank God, I finally got this dog. Now, I will have an excuse to walk those two blocks to the drug dealers street corner.

Stock market

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe the stock market goes down every time I speak. Get me a new teleprompter.

"Breaking in" the White House

BHO Taileprompter: Let's see: The Oval Office, the Lincoln Bedroom, The Roosevelt room.... Hey Michelle, we forgot to "break in" the Roosevelt room.

On the desk

BHO Taileprompter: Michelle, meet me in the Oval Office at 11:00 PM. If JFK and Marilyn could leave their DNA on a desktop, so can we.

Pirates V

BHO Taileprompter: People want me to take action against the pirates in Somalia. There is no way I will do that. I saw "Blackhawk Down" and I was terrified.

Pirates IV

BHO Taileprompter: I have to convince the public I ordered the rescue. If they find out a navel officer made the decision, I will look bad. Have an "unnamed" official lie to the press.

Pirates III

BHO Taileprompter: I sicked the military on those pirates. This will show my critics I have a "pair." Now, back to that list of planned military cuts.

Pirates II

BHO Taileprompter: Talks have broken down in the pirate standoff. Someone get over to Walmart and pick up another ipod.

Pirates

BHO Taileprompter: Hey Rahm, can we use taxpayer money to pay the pirate's ransom on that American captain? I want to get the Media focus back on my tax increases.

Elitist

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe people think I am an elitist. Michelle, is that pizza I ordered from Chicago here yet?

Roots

BHO Taileprompter: I feel a need to get in touch with my roots. I think I should visit my birthplace. Rahm, schedule a trip to Kenya.

The Economy

BHO Taileprompter: I have to get the economy fixed quickly. China is calling and threatening to fire me.

Poll numbers dropping

BHO Taileprompter: Rahm, my poll numbers are dropping. I need some positive propaganda. Get the New York Times on the phone.

Cigars

BHO Taileprompter: I found a box on Bill Clinton's old cigars in the closet. I wonder if they are still any good. Hmm..taste hand dipped.

Book deal

BHO Taileprompter: I have gotten a new book deal. I need to call Bill Ayers and have him get started writing the first draft.

Al Qaeda

BHO Taileprompter: I have reached a compromise with Al Qaeda. I am ending the war on terror and they have promised to kill us last.

Census

BHO Taileprompter: We need to count every illegal alien in the 2010 census. I want a canvasser at every Home Depot parking lot in America.

Visiting a Muslim country

BHO Taileprompter: Visiting a Muslim country and going to a Mosque was good for my soul. It somehow felt "right."

Badmouthing America

BHO Taileprompter: I wonder if I went too far Badmouthing America while overseas? I'll call Reverend Wright and get his opinion.

Economic stimulus

BHO Taileprompter: Trying to stimulate the economy is expensive. A trillion here, a trillion there, pretty soon it will add up to real money.

The Constitution

BHO Taileprompter: It's going to be cool tonight. I need something to help start a fire. I have already burned my birth certificate. What other document will I never need? Rahm, call the National Archives and have them bring over the Constitution.

Taliban

BHO Taileprompter: I wonder how I can make peace with the Taliban? I got it! I will give them an ipod with my greatest speeches.

Europeans

BHO Taileprompter: Wow! These Europeans worship me. Americans will worship me too after I finish socializing them.

Online town hall

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe they asked me to legalize marijuana. Now, if they had asked about blow...

NK missile launch

BHO Taileprompter: North Korea has defied me and launched their missile. This is my first international crisis. I need to get expert advice on how to handle this situation. I got it! I will call Oprah.

Blagojevich II

BHO Taileprompter: I need to permanently silence Blago before he spills his guts. If I call the CIA, they may have ethical issues. I know! I'll call Bill Clinton.

Blagojevich

BHO Taileprompter: I can't believe Blagojevich tried to sell my Senate seat for $1 million. Hell, I paid more for it than that.

Birth certificate

BHO Taileprompter: The White House is cold this morning. I think I will light the fireplace. What? No kindling? I'll use my original "vault" copy birth certificate. I'm never going to need that again. Burn baby burn.

Gitmo inmates

BHO Taileprompter: Hugo Chavez wants our Gitmo inmates. Too bad I promised them to Acorn.

Being called a socialist

BHO Taileprompter: I hate being called a socialist. I am not a socialist. I am a communist. Get it right. Damn it!

Michelle's booty

BHO Taileprompter: Michelle sure does have a fine booty. I just love a woman with a big booty.

Premier of China

BHO Taileprompter: The Premier of China is on the phone. Quick! Someone get my teleprompter!

The King

BHO Taileprompter: I am tired of being the President. I want to be king.

The ipod gift

BHO Taileprompter: That sure was a fine ipod I gave the Queen. My homeboys in Chicago would kill for an ipod that fine.

Meeting the Queen

BHO Taileprompter: Queen Elizabeth II is so rude. She didn't even offer to bow down before me.