Increasing gas mileage

BHO Taileprompter: My new regulations will save gas and force people to buy electric cars. We won't have gas tax revenue to fix roads? No problem. I'll tax electricity.

Al Gore

BHO Taileprompter: Al Gore is on the phone. He saw the latest global warming numbers and is feeling suicidal.

Palestinian statehood

BHO Taileprompter: There will be a Palestinian state before my term ends. Allah Akbar! Oops. I mean God willing.

Nancy Pelosi

BHO Taileprompter: Bring the Secret Service bus to the Capitol. I need something to throw Nancy Pelosi under.

Notre Dame protests

BHO Taileprompter: These abortion protesters misunderstand my position. I am pro life. Mine.

Talking to Pelosi about CIA

BHO Taileprompter: I tried to call Nancy Pelosi and talk about this CIA/torture mess, but she was too busy trying to remove her foot from her mouth.

CIA and Pelosi

BHO Taileprompter: I wonder why Nancy Pelosi is angry the CIA lied to her. She never complains when I do it.

Warning Israel not to attack Iran

BHO Taileprompter: I warned Israel not to attack my brethren in Iran. If they do, I am going to hold my breath until I turn blue.

Detainee photos

BHO Taileprompter: I have decided to not release the detainee photos. I want them for my private collection.

Consumer spending

BHO Taileprompter: Consumer spending needs to improve to end the recession. I will raise taxes and keep raising taxes until people have more money to spend.

New taxes

BHO Taileprompter: Rahm, tell the Democrats in the Senate there is no way I will let them tax Coke. Oh, they mean the sugary drink.

Inheritance tax

BHO Taileprompter: I see dead people and I think I know a way to tax them.

Wanda Sykes

BHO Taileprompter: When Wanda Sykes said, "I hope Rush Limbaugh's kidneys fail." My bladder failed. Good thing I was wearing a dark suit.

Oxycontin

BHO Taileprompter: I don't understand Rush Limbaugh doing Oxycontin. Smoking crack is so much more fun.

Meeting Barney Frank

BHO Taileprompter: Barney Frank just called- he wants to meet me in mens room. Signal is 2 long 1 short foot tap followed by stress test.

Funding gay bar research

BHO Taileprompter: People are upset over the $400K spent on gay bar research. I guess I will just do that research myself.

Tax enforcement

BHO Taileprompter: I am doubling the tax law enforcement budget. This won't be popular with my Cabinet.

National Prayer Day

BHO Taileprompter: People should get off my back over skipping National Prayer day. I pray 5 times per day towards Mecca.

Illegal aliens

BHO Taileprompter: I have to put a stop to the INS deporting illegal aliens. If not, they may come get me next.

Bond holders

BHO Taileprompter: They are lying when they say I threatened Chrysler bondholders with bad PR. I threatened them with the IRS.

White House reporters

BHO Taileprompter: Gibbs, I want the White House reporters on "bended knee" when I enter the press room.

Snuggie

BHO Taileprompter: After a hard day "presidenting," it feels good to slip into a snuggie and watch ABC trash my opponents.

Supreme Court replacement

BHO Taileprompter: When I replace Souter, I need to cover one of my constituent bases. I'll nominate William Ayers. Then, I'll have my terrorist base covered.

Prisoner pictures

BHO Taileprompter: These pictures I released of Al Qaeda being masked and chained nude are disgusting. They remind me of my honeymoon.

Oval Office

BHO Taileprompter: Time to start a new day. I'll head over to my throne room. Oops! I mean Oval Office.